Blog Excerpt from Agitprop Issue Five — 2020

I really wanted to revisit some of my story during lockdown, and a major part of my upbringing that I find amazing — and that no one really knows — is that I grew up in a church. I actually lived in the church my grandad ministered at, so a major part of my upbringing was centred around taking my grandma and great aunt every Sunday, attending Christmas events, and even where I lived.

People don’t expect LGBT creators to have any connection with Christianity, and I think that’s really strange. Most criticism that people have is directed at the organisation itself because, for the most part, the people involved are not psychos who hate anyone different from them. The basis of going to church for many older people is a sense of community, and there are some definite guiding elements, but overall people within the UK don’t sit there preaching about difference. It’s an extreme that is sadly part of the miscommunication around what churches are, which I think is why, instead of being places of community, support, and gathering — as they once were — they have become relics: imposing, empty spaces.

I have no judgement on what religions people choose to study or worship; I send love out to spiritual seekers in all their forms. My experience of tolerance, encouragement, respect for others, and optimism came from my grandparents and their participation in churches. For everyone who has been a victim of the misuse of that structure, my heart goes out to you, because there has been a huge amount of homophobia and transphobia displayed by fear-driven individuals under the guise of a religious organisation, and it is completely wrong.

For this issue, I wanted to create something where I had no makeup on. I didn’t want to do something that took me into a new character; instead, I wanted to wear as minimal makeup as would be suitable for a photograph and pull my hair back.

Do I want my hair to be shaven on each side and pulled back? Not really — I’d like it to be longer, but I’m waiting for it to grow, and this is where we’re at. Do I want a beard? Fuck, no. But this is where we’re at. So it’s about braving my discomfort and sharing more of the person behind the name.

When I created the first images below, they were capturing the kind of light that I admire in chiaroscuro paintings, so I moved through different setups to explore what worked. I really loved the feeling of being lit by an overhanging church window, and I used a coat I had to create the impression of wings.

I then took some basic headshots, and when I revisited the images in post-production, I thought, “This is something I could play with further.” So I experimented with overlays and Renaissance paintings of saints, adding the golden halo. Then, out of nowhere, the eye went green, and it felt like a sign that I was moving in the right direction. It was a continuation of the previous images I created for Issue Three.

I’m really happy with the symbolism and the way the light and overlays reveal a little bit about where I came from. I hope you love them too! This issue is going to be about health, using what we have, and abolishing internal walls. I hope you like it and enjoy the pages.