As I'm about to whip up some cloud eggs for my breakfast, booj start to the blog, I'm getting super duper excited about heading off to London today to work with my favourite practise on Harley Street, Botonics! Botox and fillers is something people have become addicted to in this Kylie Jenneration and I wanted to share some bits I've left out on my blogs.
When I was a kid, I used to get teased like a mother fucker because I would honestly say to people I wanted to be a prince with hair so long it touched the sky and for some time, I didn't believe it would be an actuality for me. I looked in the mirror and saw something malformed. I think looking back this was my brain relaying the information back to myself that something was out of wack with how I was growing because we didn't find out any of the T about my chromosomal issues until I was 24, but I used to remember thinking how wrong the proportions were. I attended my first appointment with a doctor when I was 14 and I remember crying because I thought I had something called 'BDD' which I'd seen on a tv show on BBC2 at the time, and the guy looked down at his little booklet, which acted like a dictionary for disorientated doctors and being told I'll be fine, and that was that.
It was a hot mess, I didn't ever get any help from the further three appointments I went and had I, I think it would have changed the course of my life. Soon after this, I started to develop the signs of an eating disorder which developed into quite an awful situation and I think if I were to psychologically analyse this, it was to have some control over what I looked like. Being a kid who's growing breast tissue and being forced to change with boys clearly on a different chemical high to you, who look and act nothing like you and then looking in the mirror and seeing yourself as a malformed variant of what you should be is not a great experience to go through and I wish there was something identifiable in schools and in practises to give help to people like myself, who seriously needed it. But as quite often in my life, I take matters into my own hands and that's exactly what I did.
The following year, I discovered makeup in an entirely new way. I'd been sneaking off to use mousse colouring treatments on my hair since I was probably 12 to aid in the redesign of the creature JH, but I started to learn early on that you could manipulate the way you looked with makeup. My friend Emilie at the time had a house like Alladin's Cave, full of strange treasures and books and one of those books was Making Faces. I copied all the techniques and tried to mix acrylic paint in with my mums Clinique foundations and started to contour my nose straight, use white makeup to look like a doll and soon gained quite the traction online for it. I became quite a force on myspace as a lil emo with David Bowie hair and it was my first experience of online fame. I became very popular with the London scene and soon started to gain the attention of the people who were interning at magazines like Pop, British Vogue, Dazed and ID.
I was emailed by a casting director and then an editor from Dazed and Confused about the prospect of modelling and for the first time, I found out people could see me. Not the malformed version I could see, but the person I knew I was. And it became a challenge like one of the side quests in Final Fantasy to kill this new game of turning up, being pampered by strangers, sitting under hot lights and letting people take my photograph. I started booking consistently editorial shoots because people couldn't believe I wasn't a cis girl, I remember there was a weird website at the time that was like an early preface to Instagram that allowed you to network with people all over in the fashion world and this lady emailed me and was convinced I was a girl, and wanted to shoot a very elaborate series based on Omahra Mota. It was a way of stamping myself with approval and I took every opportunity to do so.
College, no money, family breakdowns, confusion, house subsidence... all things that took place in a very short period of time and out of necessity I started a Youtube channel to try and gain some attention in an area I thought I'd be able to sustain myself in; make up. I had no foresight about how this was going to blow up in the way it has, I had never had anyone to look up to as a blueprint, I had only myself to work with and so I did. And the experience was hard!
I hated the way I looked in the camera, I thought it distorted me, I thought my voice sounded completely different to how I heard it, I thought every thing I'd created for myself with my image looked sub par... So it took a while to not take the inevitable negative comments as what they are. A couple of upset kids at home that aren't getting the praise they think they should writing harsh words to strangers to say, 'I matter too.' It's really hard to dissect that when you're also an upset kid lol. But I made it through the rain and got an opportunity to compete in a competition called the YouGeneration competition. Bam. SheWon. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I had a chance, but I watched my bank balance launch up to 6 figures overnight and knew I'd finally got the ability to gain some control over myself.
The first thing I did was book myself into consultations to work on my nose I'd been shading down, to work on my eyelids that I'd been glueing into place all this time, to prop up my lip that was hanging down like I'd had a recent stroke. Now when I write this, I'm having flash backs of having this conversation on repeat, because every single time I went to a consultation with a surgeon about getting these issues fixed I was told straight out that they could not see what I was referring to and thought it would be a detriment to my looks. Now I don't know if I had a selection of overly cautious, good Samaritan surgeons or what, but the feeling that you couldn't fix this was horrific and I felt like I could have made Microsoft and still wouldn't be able to reach my goals. So I stayed up watching ASMR on youtube and eventually made it to a series of videos by a clinic in London called Botonics.
Narushka actually had a series where she had injected a trans woman to create a softened, FFS style of treatment. There was a man who had quite an uneven profile who she injected completely straight, a lady with her under eyes that were very sunken that was helped and I had never seen anyone work to the subtle levels that I wanted to achieve. So I reached out, sent in an exact image of what I wanted to achieve and explained how I wanted the issues rectified. I went on the train, told my mum I was having it done that morning and watched them have a tantrum about it, and bam. It fixed my face.
Now to not dramatise the ease of this because I think I'm a rare bird in the sense of the results I got, as they have lasted basically til this day in some cases and I've never had a revision or a top up. But the only time I ever had botox injected in the muscle in my right eyebrow, was the first time I had the procedure done four years ago and I've never looked the same since. Just phenomenal. The process was simple, the divots in my nose I could see were inflated and smoothed out, the eyelid was lifted to match, the lip was lifted to match, and all I could see to myself was fixed. And it was a necessity that I should have been given earlier. After this happened I actually lost all the dysphoria I endured with my face and I was able to be happy about it, so what I would say to people who do not suffer from this is please be conscious that it's absolutely nothing to do with vanity and the idea of perfecting something. It should be looked at as what it is, an internal awareness of what you should be despite what's going on with the worlds expectation.
So since this, I've gone back sporadically as shown on my channel to have things like my under eye hollows filled, I've had my bite corrected with botox, I've had my nose to mouth area filled and my cheeks filled. Very, very subtly. Narushka actually commented last time that we used less than 1ml in my entire face so that should give you some indication of it. You have to find someone who get's what you're hoping to achieve. If you're in need of help with dysphoria or you just have an image in your mind of what you want to achieve. You have to go with someone who get's it, who has the ability to correct without it looking over done, and also someone who has an understanding of symmetry. The biggest failures I've seen with these treatments have been when people have one side of asymmetry and they go in and the practitioner adds the same volume of product to the perfectly fine side. That is the look of when it get's artificial and I've seen in the north of England and in California this aesthetic quite often. If you have a perfectly beautiful line to your cheek on one side but the other is sinking, just fix the side that's sinking. It should go without saying.
So there are many ways to kill a cat. I hope this helped people understand the process I went through to reach where I am today. When I get a little braver discussing my body from the neck down, we'll talk about the surgery happening next. But for now, wish me luck as I go make some breakfast and talk to the man friend.